tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-108030042011-12-14T20:14:30.744-07:00Johnnoreply@blogger.comBlogger3671100tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-10803004.post-8657344227630084632007-04-29T10:46:00.001-06:002007-04-29T10:46:43.876-06:00

Johnnoreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-10803004.post-1168469936739686142007-01-10T15:42:00.000-07:002007-01-10T15:58:56.766-07:00

My birthday is July 24, 1981.I decided it came about 40 years too late.All this technology, it passes me by. All this self-importance, it's over my head. All this rushing around, it makes life far too hectic.Cell phones, laptops, blogs—hell, even high-definition televisions—I could do without. Alright, maybe not the HDTVs, but you get the idea.Whatever it is about 2007, I just don't

Johnnoreply@blogger.com5tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-10803004.post-1141065903550544752006-02-27T11:39:00.000-07:002006-02-27T11:45:14.786-07:00

Yes, I made it to Seattle alive.Yes, my job is awesome.Yes, I'm going on a road trip this summer around the west to take pictures and talk to crazy old fishermen.Yes, I'm flying to Michigan in March to direct a video for our web site and do some steelhead fishing.Yes, I'll be getting paid for both of those things.Yes, I'm probably the best person you'll ever meet.Yes, last night I ate $100 worth

Johnnoreply@blogger.com10tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-10803004.post-1139939238039651252006-02-14T09:38:00.000-07:002006-02-14T11:10:38.503-07:00

This is easily the best Valentine's Day card I've ever received:Not only does it mock this "holiday," it also contains my latest (and strangest) obsession, the old Nickelodeon game show, Legends of the Hidden Temple.In fact, I just sacrificed a child to Olmec, so as I'm typing this, my hands are covered in the blood of a newborn. That's how happy this made me.Hopefully this will be mass-produced,

Johnnoreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-10803004.post-1139596098596971662006-02-10T11:14:00.000-07:002006-02-10T11:28:18.656-07:00

My time at my current job is winding down. I have just four more days to go.Well, more like two and a half since I've been leaving at 2 p.m. every day the past week.Don't think that everyone here isn't counting down the hours.In the past week, I've already been called an "insensitive jerk," a "dope" and a "terrible reporter" by three different people — all in jest.I think.But the best has been my

Johnnoreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-10803004.post-1139458380277741802006-02-08T20:49:00.000-07:002006-11-27T20:49:22.746-07:00

In my 24 years alive, I've never had a Valentine.Not once.I've had friends that felt pity on me and sent me cards, but I've never had a true Valentine to lavish with gifts, undeserved praise and awkward love notes.Now that I think about it ... that's probably a good thing.Regardless, instead of writing about a non-existent Valentine and the painfully obvious lack of love in my life, I've decided

Johnnoreply@blogger.com6tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-10803004.post-1138991731561945592006-02-03T10:59:00.000-07:002006-02-03T11:36:50.973-07:00

I'm no expert in animal behavior or laws regarding the molestation of animals, but this picture has at least five things wrong with it:1. Why was this picture even taken in the first place? Who really wants to see a panda laying spread eagle like this? Sure, they're cute, but is this panda even 18? This has to violate some sort of law somewhere. Also, don't you think that this hideous couple has

Johnnoreply@blogger.com5tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-10803004.post-1138912278087586942006-02-02T13:23:00.000-07:002006-02-02T13:34:57.453-07:00

Apparently, former Full House star Jodie Sweetin used to be a meth addict.Not only is this fairly interesting — and not exactly shocking — news (A former child star has a drug problem? No way!), it also combines two of my favorite things:Meth and Jodie Sweetin.One time in college, my friend Eric and I spent three weeks looking for naked pictures of her on the internet like the completey awesome

Johnnoreply@blogger.com5tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-10803004.post-1138906480335772212006-02-02T11:46:00.000-07:002006-02-02T11:54:40.380-07:00

I refrained from bashing the Gamecocks on their miserable Independence Bowl performance. I held back my words of fury and disdain, if only because of the great things they accomplished this season — beating Florida and Tennessee come to mind.But, that being said, there is no reason to EVER lose a 21-3 lead in the second quarter. Especially against a mediocre Big 12 team.I know I should have faith

Johnnoreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-10803004.post-1138897632955036502006-02-02T09:24:00.000-07:002006-02-02T11:56:53.523-07:00

Normally, I like to put captions on pictures I find to make them seem a little more idiotic and or frightening than they really are.This picture doesn't need anything:Tell me this isn't the single scariest photograph you've ever seen.I can't help but think by "hurting you," she means "crushing your ribcage and suffocating you to death."

Johnnoreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-10803004.post-1138556652823775972006-01-29T10:07:00.000-07:002006-01-29T10:44:12.880-07:00

When I was 8-years-old, my family and I went to Seattle on a vacation.And I fell in love — with the city, the baseball team, and yes, even the Kingdome, shown here being imploded:After visiting Seattle, seeing Mount Rainer and Puget Sound, I made it one of my lifetime goals to move there one day, to settle down and stop my incessant wandering. Call it a wanderlust, or call it what you will, but

Johnnoreply@blogger.com8tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-10803004.post-1138393803701418712006-01-27T11:00:00.000-07:002006-01-27T13:30:03.983-07:00

This morning at work, I started playing some songs from perhaps the greatest singer-songwriter of all time, Mr. Neil Diamond, shown here being awesome:The first song that I played was "Forever in Blue Jeans," and my editor came out of his office and said "John, don't play that crap. It's going to be in my head all day."I left it playing.A few minutes later, he yells at me through the wall "John,

Johnnoreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-10803004.post-1138162414655905272006-01-24T21:00:00.000-07:002006-01-24T21:13:34.736-07:00

One Penn down, one to go.Sure, Chris Penn may finally be dead, but unfortunately for us, they took the least douchebag-ish Penn sibling.

Johnnoreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-10803004.post-1138055961059462992006-01-23T15:29:00.000-07:002006-01-23T15:39:21.130-07:00

The Buffalo Bills are dead. It's official.Today, they hired Dick Jauron as their new head coach:Jauron, the former head coach of the Chicago Bears and 2005 interim coach of the Detroit Lions, has compiled an amazing 35-46 career record at the helm of two of the most mediocre franchises in the past 20 years.In 2001, Jauron somehow won NFL coach of the year, after miraculously guiding the Bears to

Johnnoreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-10803004.post-1137781564011469242006-01-20T11:01:00.000-07:002006-01-20T11:26:04.073-07:00

In a not-so-surprising development, two more miners are missing and presumed dead following a fire in a West Virginia coal mine.Rescuers are scouring the area, digging through old cans of Busch Light and shotgun shells to find the lost workers, to little avail thus far. With precious time withering away, officials guarantee the miners will be found before the 2006 Nascar season begins with the

Johnnoreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-10803004.post-1137383901152969222006-01-15T20:43:00.000-07:002006-01-15T21:00:02.773-07:00

My sister and I went on a snowshoe tour of Glacier National Park today. I had to do it for work, she did it because she came to visit me and is basically stuck doing whatever I have to do. (Insert evil laughter here)Here is the day in pictures:Here is the guide leading some of the strange people in our group down the trail. He is thinking to himself in this picture, I know I've made a lot of

Johnnoreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-10803004.post-1137175668906234622006-01-13T09:22:00.000-07:002006-01-13T11:24:30.786-07:00

What is going on in the Buffalo Bills front office?Seriously, someone figure this all out and then let me know, because it looks more and more like it's becoming a retirement village than a football organization.First, in a move loooooong overdue, owner Ralph Wilson fires GM Tom "I like to trade my future first round picks for terrible, terrible quarterbacks"Donahoe. This, by any stretch of the

Johnnoreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-10803004.post-1137133408674925002006-01-12T23:10:00.000-07:002006-01-12T23:23:28.760-07:00

Here is a picture taken on Wednesday at Big Mountain, the ski resort right up the road from my apartment.This is in no way my sister or myself, although we were up there all day yesterday slightly tearing ligaments and wearing away cartilege, much like this guy (photo stolen from stumptown photography, in case you were wondering.)Notice the trees.They're blanketed in an ice/snow mixture, so much

Johnnoreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-10803004.post-1136670604342874682006-01-07T14:45:00.000-07:002006-01-07T14:50:04.426-07:00

This is my friend Brian, who is turning into a bit of a hermit.He sent me this picture with a caption that read: "I should get a haircut, but I refuse. Also, I have way too much free time."Well done, Brian. Well done.I only wish my hair could look that awesome one of these days.

Johnnoreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-10803004.post-1136403780193112642006-01-04T12:14:00.000-07:002006-01-04T12:46:17.190-07:00

This story about the dead miners in West Virginia is pretty terrible. And by terrible, I mean a great example of what happens when misinformation and crazy hillbillies meet.First, 12 of the 13 miners are alive. Then — whoops — they're actually dead.Media and officials: Sorry about that. Our bad.Enter, stage left: riots at a church, followed by assaults on mining officers and at least two dozen

Johnnoreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-10803004.post-1136400218922626842006-01-04T11:35:00.000-07:002006-01-04T11:43:39.063-07:00

My editor's great idea for the name of a coffee shop:Turn Your Head and Coffee.

Johnnoreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-10803004.post-1136274899680098092006-01-03T00:53:00.000-07:002006-01-03T00:54:59.730-07:00

Johnnoreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-10803004.post-1136241768597815572006-01-02T15:39:00.000-07:002006-01-02T15:42:48.643-07:00

My cousin Patrick saw what I did to that picture of me in my profile and wanted me to make one of him.So I did."I look like a G.I. Joe bad guy," he said when he saw it. "But I like it."

Johnnoreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-10803004.post-1136236566481230022006-01-02T14:11:00.000-07:002006-01-02T14:19:28.436-07:00

—I think it's plain to see that Celine Dion is the Alice Cooperof Las Vegas entertainers, with or without long hair.— For my money, it doesn't get any better than the smooth jazzstylings of Alec Baldwin, who reminds me of a younger, lessAfrican-American Miles Davis.— The Pantera album Cowboys From Hell is to the adult contemporaryscene what Brian Wilson was to the Beach Boys — pure inspiration.—

Johnnoreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-10803004.post-1136234748156886262006-01-02T13:28:00.000-07:002006-01-02T13:45:48.200-07:00

To give myself something to do over the next few months, I've decided to let my hair grow to previously unexplored, and potentially hazardous, lengths.It might not be a mullet, but it'll be something.The plan is to make myself look as much like Bob Ross or Ted Kaczynski as possible.Or at the very least, exactly like this:

Johnnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-10803004.post-1136196646485288642006-01-02T02:28:00.000-07:002006-01-02T03:20:01.850-07:00

— One day, I'd like to be described as "young at heart" instead of "convicted felon" and "registered sex offender."— You know what else is sad? My lack of self-respect and personal hygiene.— That's when the doctor came back with the test from the lab. Turns out it was just a real bad case of syphilis. I guess that's what you get for spending New Year's with an escort.— When we get back to my

Johnnoreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-10803004.post-1136154333243771772006-01-01T14:50:00.000-07:002006-01-01T15:25:33.280-07:00

— Your hair will actually freeze when the temperature drops to 16 below zero.— Getting a credit card is great. Getting credit card debt is not.— Expanding your DVD collection exponentially is good for your personal entertainment, but not so much for your social life or bank account.— Love is an amazing, and sometimes fickle, thing.— Wearing shoes with little traction on the ice is a terrible,

Johnnoreply@blogger.com5tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-10803004.post-1136004196211960622005-12-30T19:59:00.000-07:002005-12-31T00:41:24.210-07:00

In this edition of my awesome overanalyzations of old movies from my childhood, I rip apart this classic starring Emilio Estevez, who is otherwise known as Charlie Sheen without the obvious cocaine problem:— The opening scene has a young Gordon Bombay skating on a pond behind his house while his demanding father makes him practice alone. We all remember dads like that, they're the ones that show

Johnnoreply@blogger.com6tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-10803004.post-1135896399448485292005-12-29T15:33:00.000-07:002005-12-29T15:46:39.516-07:00

Hey, you want to hear something terrible, I ask my editor today."Sure," he says.I was watching Nip/Tuck the other night before I fell asleep, I say. Have you ever seen that show?"I used to watch it," he tells me.Well, one of the characters in the last episode was a teenage transsexual, I explain. He — dressed up as a she — was the friend of the doctor's son."Yeah, so?"I had a dream that I was in

Johnnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-10803004.post-1135826874217597702005-12-28T20:26:00.000-07:002005-12-29T14:47:07.496-07:00

John Van Vleet.com It's just about finished.Check it out.

Johnnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-10803004.post-1135727726858934532005-12-27T16:50:00.000-07:002005-12-27T16:56:40.703-07:00

Just in case you're wondering what I've been up to at work, this is it:Not only did I have to write a story about these ridiculous dogsledding Pomeranians, it also appears on the front page of our paper this week.I will now go jab an icepick underneath every one of my fingernails.And no, I didn't take those pictures.

Johnnoreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-10803004.post-1135486685505691892005-12-24T21:38:00.000-07:002005-12-25T01:03:30.830-07:00

Last year on Christmas, I worked nine hours. I woke up, opened presents, ate breakfast with my family, then headed over to the office to man the phones and print up the police news."You'll be there no more than four hours," my editor told me at the time. "It'll be an easy day," she said.After nine hours of waiting on police reports, typing up bogus stories, and working on loads of crap, I got to

Johnnoreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-10803004.post-1135237284378983792005-12-21T23:53:00.000-07:002005-12-22T00:44:29.770-07:00

Ryan Adams is at it once again, doing what he does best — breaking our hearts with a guitar and piano.He doesn't need much else.His newest album, 29, comes fresh on the heels of his previous two releases this year, Jacksonville City Nights and Cold Roses. This latest collection of stripped-down songs is his only solo effort of the year, as he's dropped his backing band, the Cardinals, for at

Johnnoreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-10803004.post-1135120727324684862005-12-20T16:17:00.000-07:002005-12-20T16:18:47.366-07:00

This will be my column in this week's paper:Call it what you will, but I’m in the giving mood these days.I like to think of myself as a semi-generous guy. After all, I am the same person that let my college roommate use my computer for two years even though he had one of his own sitting unplugged on his desk, collecting dust the way I collected absences in my British lit classes.That being said,

Johnnoreply@blogger.com5tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-10803004.post-1134853861506169662005-12-17T13:41:00.000-07:002005-12-17T14:13:54.260-07:00

Went to go see the new King Kong last night. Despite its running length and completely unecessary subplots, it was well made and quite enjoyable. It's a pretty good flick, even if you don't like weird women/animal love stories.Easily the most amazing thing about it were the computer generated graphics that produced Kong:He's kind of cute, in that snaggle toothed I will eat your firstborn child

Johnnoreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-10803004.post-1134753053886765322005-12-16T09:41:00.000-07:002005-12-16T10:12:22.383-07:00

Is Breckin Meyer retarded?Let's examine the evidence:Here he is trying to eat a defenseless little puppy. I'm not sure if this is an actual sign of mental retardation, but it does tell us one thing: Breckin Meyer is a heartless bastard that will bite the ear off of anything cute, if given the chance. After this picture was taken, Meyer reportedly dropped the puppy and kicked it into oncoming

Johnnoreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-10803004.post-1134679403644839442005-12-15T13:38:00.000-07:002005-12-15T13:43:23.680-07:00

Last year, during the NFL Draft, I came up with an awesome idea for a t-shirt. It would be an orange shirt and it would just feature a huge mug shot of the head coach of the Cleveland Browns, Romeo Crennell.Without further ado, here is that design:The man is basically a teddy bear. How can you not love him?This is for Calvin and Richard, my only friends masochistic enough to like the Browns.

Johnnoreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-10803004.post-1134673094498118442005-12-15T10:26:00.000-07:002005-12-15T12:12:06.073-07:00

This is a case study in ineptitude, in mismanagement. This is a look into one of the sorriest franchises in professional football today, the Buffalo Bills. This is a look into how one of the proudest teams in the NFL during the 1990s has devolved into nothing more than an afterthought — a loser — in the new millenium.As it stands, the Buffalo Bills sit at 4-9, with six losses in their last seven

Johnnoreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-10803004.post-1134665603040342152005-12-15T09:45:00.000-07:002005-12-15T09:58:23.690-07:00

My buddy Brian and his dad are in the process of selling the house he grew up in.A house inspector was there this morning, and this is what Brian tells me:"The inspector has informed me that we have a gas leak," he says.Really, I say. That explains so, so much."But it seems to be very small," he says. "I have a great nose for the stank they put in natural gas. If a pilot light goes out I can

Johnnoreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-10803004.post-1134631360394703272005-12-15T00:11:00.000-07:002005-12-15T00:24:35.296-07:00

I just got home from work.That's right, it's past midnight here and I just walked in the door. And no, I don't work in a restaurant, even though I'd probably make a lot more money if I did.Let me go ahead and say something that's not hyperbole for once. This next sentence is me being as honest as I've ever been in my entire life: I have never, ever wanted to be dead as much as I did earlier

Johnnoreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-10803004.post-1134594123415335212005-12-14T13:43:00.000-07:002005-12-14T14:02:30.413-07:00

This is what ITT-Tech commercials should sound like:Three years ago, I had no future and no direction. I was too busy smoking pot underneath my the bleachers at my high school football field to concentrate on school. I spent most of my time playing video games or programming computer viruses. I got suspended from school and had to settle for my GED. My uncle Shawn was recruiting me to work on his

Johnnoreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-10803004.post-1134414315763469122005-12-12T11:56:00.000-07:002005-12-12T13:42:40.813-07:00

Due to popular request, I will now begin a weekly series where I overanalyze a hit movie from the '80s or early '90s. My first installment, Back to the Future, was fairly plain, and I had a lot more thoughts I edited out, mostly concerning part 2.Thoughts such as:— Why did they have to replace the original Jennifer for Back to the Future 2? You're telling me that actress doesn't have any spare

Johnnoreply@blogger.com14tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-10803004.post-1134403494732933772005-12-12T08:57:00.000-07:002005-12-12T09:04:54.736-07:00

In my work email account last week, I got a press release about a new book about to hit the market, a book called Roller Babes.This is a direct quote from the press release:What A League of Their Own is to women's professional baseball, the new novel, Roller Babes, is to women's professional Roller Derby.Set in the '50s, delve into the untold, subculture of women's Roller Derby in Roller Babes, a

Johnnoreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-10803004.post-1134245258568499332005-12-10T12:44:00.000-07:002005-12-10T13:10:09.276-07:00

Why doesn't anyone question Doc and Marty's relationship? You're telling me a high school guy would rather hang out with a crazy old scientist than a throng of 18-year-old girls? That might be the most unbelievable aspect of the entire movie. If I'm 18 and have a girlfriend that looks like Jennifer, there's no way I hang out with a crazy old man.Huey Lewis makes a wonderful cameo as the judge at

Johnnoreply@blogger.com6tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-10803004.post-1134186230073560652005-12-10T00:28:00.000-07:002005-12-09T20:43:50.110-07:00

One year ago today was one of the best days of my life. No doubt in the top ten. Probably in the top five. Maybe top three.To be honest, nothing astounding happened. There were no revelations or lotteries won, no lives saved or diseases cured. It was just a simple night between two people, one full of memories and images sketched in my memory forever. It was... a lot of different things.It was a

Johnnoreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-10803004.post-1134172283240707272005-12-09T16:50:00.000-07:002005-12-09T16:51:23.276-07:00

Click here to watch the best Snickers commercial ever.If I ever lose my hair completely, I know what I'm making my wig out of.Pay close attention to the crazy-looking Asian guy at the end.

Johnnoreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-10803004.post-1134080685583727102005-12-08T14:53:00.000-07:002005-12-08T15:27:35.396-07:00

Saddam Hussein's trial is getting completely out of hand.Today, three men threatened Hussein's chief lawyer, several days ago Hussein screamed at the judge and, oh yeah, two defense lawyers in the case have already been murdered. Here is the situation: Iraq is in complete upheaval and their former tyrannical dictator's trial is becoming a mockery of justice. Military groups are still fighting U.S

Johnnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-10803004.post-1134010157448313902005-12-07T19:40:00.000-07:002005-12-07T19:49:17.490-07:00

I drew this today while I was sitting in some symposium about coal bed methane.In between thoughts of death and jotting down notes for my article, I managed to sketch the weird-looking guy sitting across the room from me.

Johnnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-10803004.post-1133826568987042832005-12-05T16:45:00.000-07:002005-12-05T16:49:29.016-07:00

In case you were wondering what it looks like when you already have well over six inches of snow on the ground and then you get a white-out storm, here you go:

Johnnoreply@blogger.com7tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-10803004.post-1133807326700742682005-12-05T11:23:00.000-07:002005-12-05T16:50:16.050-07:00

This will be my column in this week's paper:If you asked me what I remember about my grandfather, the first thing I’d tell you about would be his cigars.There was always one dangling out of his mouth, damp with saliva and speckled with ash. His breath always had the hint of cigar smoke no matter what time of day it was, and ashtrays full of butts dotted his house and workshop.The next thing I’d

Johnnoreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-10803004.post-1133765254439028812005-12-04T23:46:00.000-07:002005-12-04T23:49:01.116-07:00

That's pretty evil looking, I said as I finished drawing this."Nay," said my roommate. "Sinister. It's sinister."

Johnnoreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-10803004.post-1133760069667959922005-12-04T22:19:00.000-07:002005-12-04T22:21:09.756-07:00

And I wonder why I'm single.Idiot.

Johnnoreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-10803004.post-1133734593020238802005-12-04T14:47:00.000-07:002005-12-04T15:16:33.203-07:00

Here is a photo journal of my cross country ski excursion in Glacier National Park this morning. It went much better than my few runs down Big Mountain yesterday, especially the one where I fell down an embankment into some sort of creekbed and hit my arm on a rock.This is the Flathead River on the way to the park. I saw the steam rising from the water and thought it looked pretty cool. I have no

Johnnoreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-10803004.post-1133675475085203072005-12-03T22:47:00.000-07:002005-12-03T22:51:15.123-07:00

This is a picture of my room, how it currently looks. I tore it apart looking for the zip-off hood to my jacket earlier this morning when I was getting ready to go ski. I made my roommate take a picture of me posing on the wreckage. I call it "The most pathetic person in the history of time."What follows is an open letter to my parents:Dear Mom and Dad,Remember when you told me that a messy room

Johnnoreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-10803004.post-1133601497454896792005-12-03T02:13:00.000-07:002005-12-03T02:18:17.490-07:00

Somehow, I got my entire family to jowl with me in a family photo this Thanksgiving. My mom had been dying for one of these for months, and I was able to convince them to do this with me after we'd taken rougly 1,000 of the regular family shots. It's still funny, I don't care how blurry this photo is:Sure, we look retarded, but I got all of us to laugh while we were doing it, isn't that the point

Johnnoreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-10803004.post-1133575946371234572005-12-02T19:10:00.000-07:002005-12-02T19:12:52.343-07:00

I took this photo on my way home from work today. This hound dog was hanging his head out the window of the car in front of me, oblivious to the snow and cold.Made me laugh, so I took the picture.

Johnnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-10803004.post-1133572101461802362005-12-02T17:55:00.000-07:002005-12-02T18:19:08.200-07:00

This is a picture of Tremaine Billie, a football player for Clemson University.When he's not on the football field, he's busy conjugating verbs incorrectly, making a mockery of the English language and ruining his university's sterling academic image.Click here to visit a Web site he made for one of his classes documenting why he believes college football players should be paid.This is a direct

Johnnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-10803004.post-1133462325230098962005-12-01T11:20:00.000-07:002005-12-01T11:38:45.310-07:00

Everything is white, covered in snow. Four or five inches line the sidewalks, the treetops and parked cars around town, giving off a ghostly pale glow, only intensified by the clear skies and burning sun above.It's the light powdery kind, the sort of snow that makes Robert Downey Jr. and Lawrence Taylor remember how they spent the 1980s — face down in a powder of a different ilk.The beauty is

Johnnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-10803004.post-1133409179138838812005-11-30T20:52:00.000-07:002005-11-30T20:56:35.363-07:00

Here is a picture of me and my family, after my mom begged and pleaded for several days for us to "sit down and have a nice picture taken."Well, here it is:

Johnnoreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-10803004.post-1133408803592114732005-11-30T20:01:00.000-07:002005-11-30T20:48:05.413-07:00

It seems my attempt to write a full recap of my Knoxville Thanksgiving trip has hit a roadblock. Until I'm done recapping, here are some pictures you can use to keep yourself entertained:This is my cousin Elizabeth, who calls me her "favorite cousin" because I don't act like the rest of the grown ups. She's pretty fun when she's not sitting around knitting like an old woman:Here is the keychain I

Johnnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-10803004.post-1133142408208796072005-11-27T18:32:00.000-07:002005-11-27T19:05:51.960-07:00

Traveling alone can do weird things to a person.It can put your place in perspective, give you either a much needed boost in self-confidence or a crushing blow to your emotional stability. Seeing so many people in so many different places in life, all tossed together in confined spaces, well, it's sort of like a human zoo, one you're an active part of, willing or not.Whether you're sitting next

Johnnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-10803004.post-1132817862807507492005-11-24T00:06:00.000-07:002005-11-24T00:39:32.583-07:00

This Thanksgiving, I could write a glib post about all the things I'm thankful for. But that would be sulf-indulgent and boring.Instead, I'll write about the one thing I'm truly thankful for:Jowling.In case you're unaware, jowling is the art of taking a picture of someone while they shake their head violently from side to side. Clicking that link above will take you to a Web site full of pictures

Johnnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-10803004.post-1132340013834190092005-11-18T11:49:00.000-07:002005-11-18T11:59:35.720-07:00

This will be my column in next week's paper:Does anyone remember when the world was going to be overtaken by Severe Acute Respiratory Syndrome, known by everyone as SARS?Remember that supposed pandemic? Remember when people rode on subways with protective face masks on so they wouldn’t catch it? Remember those maniacal neighbors of yours claimed they had it, but it turned out to be what doctors

Johnnoreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-10803004.post-1132274643018607582005-11-17T17:06:00.000-07:002005-11-17T19:58:17.133-07:00

If there is one certainty in this world, it's this: Old people shouldn't have freedom. They shouldn't be allowed to drive, they shouldn't be allowed to eat in public, and there is no way in hell they should be allowed to use a telephone to call up newspapers to report stories.The following is all true, well at least my editorializing. The conspiracy theory, well, that's up for you to decide. The

Johnnoreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-10803004.post-1132254475106790552005-11-17T12:04:00.000-07:002005-11-17T12:07:55.140-07:00

A few days ago, I wrote about a kid that got sent home from school for smelling like crap.Today, I got the rest of the story in an email from my friend Brian.It reads:"They found more out about the smelly kid. He apparently does not like to go #2 at school, so instead he poops himself."This is America's youth — too lazy to go to the bathroom, but not proud enough to hold it in.It reminds me of my

Johnnoreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-10803004.post-1132195726401989492005-11-16T19:20:00.000-07:002005-11-16T19:51:59.363-07:00

About a year ago in Clemson, this was the scene.The day after the infamous Pistons-Pacers brawl in Detroit, my favorite college football team, lead by legendary coach Lou Holtz, lost to Clemson 29-7. But for the first time ever, I didn't even care about the score. I was ashamed to be a Gamecock. Even during my freshman year, when we went 0-11 and lost to Vanderbilt 11-10, I was still proud. Even

Johnnoreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-10803004.post-1132172403891304822005-11-16T13:18:00.000-07:002005-11-16T13:20:03.950-07:00

How could I go through this entire week without taking a shot at my least favorite college football team?

Johnnoreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-10803004.post-1132035557391813252005-11-14T23:14:00.000-07:002005-11-14T23:19:17.426-07:00

In my job, I cover a wide range of things.Murders, high school sports, changes in fishing regulations.Tonight, it was senior cards. I went to the senior center and spent an entire hour watching old people play pinochle. I was snapping pictures, walking around and asking them why it's so fun.Note: it wasn't fun for me.Among the pictures I took, this was my favorite:

Johnnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-10803004.post-1132034209359613052005-11-14T22:50:00.000-07:002005-11-14T22:58:33.146-07:00

Here is a picture of a graduate from the University of Notre Dame:This is my friend Brian, who lives in Japan. He moved there to teach English to businessmen and children. But he has a second job, one that's a little more interesting.Apparently, the Japanese love the ideas of western weddings, with the priests, the flower girls, the awkwardly written personal vows ... but since their traditional

Johnnoreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-10803004.post-1131755701359724212005-11-11T17:31:00.000-07:002005-11-11T17:37:19.533-07:00

I got these pictures today while on an assignment.They're not good, but this is the kind of stuff I get to see all the time.Bob Ross paintings? Nope. Just another day in Montana.

Johnnoreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-10803004.post-1131687124073008582005-11-10T22:15:00.000-07:002005-11-10T22:32:42.646-07:00

An open letter to ESPN:Dear ESPN,We get it already.Terrell Owens is a douchebag. Everyone on the Eagles hates him. He wet his bed and now he has to sleep in it. His agent is almost as bad as he is. Everything he says is inflammatory. Everything he does is for attention. So stop showing his smug face on TV 24 hours a day. Do you realize there are other sports stories out there right now? How about

Johnnoreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-10803004.post-1131665038402994862005-11-10T16:21:00.000-07:002005-11-10T16:24:36.933-07:00

This is about 10 minutes from my apartment.

Johnnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-10803004.post-1131659793696873532005-11-10T14:55:00.000-07:002005-11-10T14:56:33.696-07:00

Here's a picture of a mountain goat I took back in August.

Johnnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-10803004.post-1131659149474592092005-11-10T14:39:00.000-07:002005-11-10T14:45:49.476-07:00

"Today at the middle school, they had to send a kid home because he smelled bad," my friend Brian said to me this afternoon. "He reeked. It was terrible."You're telling me they had to send a kid home because he hadn't showered or anything?"Yeah, it kind of reminded me of something we would do by accident," he said. "Apparently they kept calling his parents and they were all drunk or something."

Johnnoreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-10803004.post-1131657590236981612005-11-10T14:00:00.000-07:002005-11-10T14:22:25.403-07:00

Take a look at this picture. Study it a little. What you might find is happiness.Or nausea.Thoughts on what's going on here:— Chuck Amato (left) has finally blossomed into womanhood, and his budding breasts are now under the guidance of a brand new training bra. Isn't it wonderful? — It's pretty apparent Amato is infatuated with his old mentor. Chuck is looking at Bobby Bowden the same way Tom

Johnnoreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-10803004.post-1131416022592953242005-11-07T18:51:00.000-07:002005-11-07T19:13:42.626-07:00

For nearly a month, I hadn't been able to sleep.At 4 a.m., I'd be sitting awake in bed, thinking about cartoon robots and episodes of Arrested Development.I'd lost weight, my eyes were bloodshot and surrounded by bruises.It looked like I'd been pounded in the face with a baseball bat or started doing heroin. Maybe both.And I felt even worse than I looked.This has been a trend my entire life,

Johnnoreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-10803004.post-1131266090955147212005-11-06T01:33:00.000-07:002005-11-06T01:34:50.986-07:00

Right now, it's snowing outside and this is the view from the window of my bedroom.

Johnnoreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-10803004.post-1130994726622634902005-11-02T21:34:00.000-07:002005-11-02T23:59:05.986-07:00

While spending my time tonight looking at cartoons of dinosaurs online, I stumbled across a Web site with the following drawings. Most of them made me want to claw my eyes out, but the rest left me laughing on the floor, a huddled mass of tears and bladder control problems.This is the best and brightest Mrs. Shaul's first grade class has to offer. Enjoy!Here is an ultrasaurus, drawn by Voneric,

Johnnoreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-10803004.post-1130958667040389922005-11-02T12:10:00.000-07:002005-11-02T12:11:52.620-07:00

Soon.

Johnnoreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-10803004.post-1130898026407308822005-11-01T19:13:00.000-07:002005-11-01T22:27:12.556-07:00

Last night, after I put on my newly purchased thrift store blazer as part of my Brick Tamland costume, I checked the pockets.No money.But I did find something interesting.In the inside pocket was a folded up piece of paper from a real estate company in Hawaii. It was a neighborhood layout, some sort of retirement community I imagine.And on the top of the page, written in blue pen, were two words

Johnnoreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-10803004.post-1130870134438042752005-11-01T11:33:00.000-07:002005-11-02T08:39:27.213-07:00

Notice how cute I am as Brick Tamland, the weatherman.And don't think I didn't say "I would like to extend to you an invitation to the pants party" at least 140,344 times.(For everyone that keeps asking — and this shouldn't be an issue and there's been a few of you — I'm the one sitting down with the glasses. Seriously, I don't look that much different. But that begs the question, who are you

Johnnoreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-10803004.post-1130809303809632352005-10-31T18:40:00.000-07:002005-10-31T18:41:43.876-07:00

This is the BEST COMMERCIAL EVER.It's a simple story:Robot destroys town, monster destroys town.Robot meets monster, falls in love with monster.Robot and monster have a Hummer H3 for a baby.You have to see it to believe it.

Johnnoreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-10803004.post-1130743046643647862005-10-31T00:16:00.000-07:002008-01-16T15:25:15.180-07:00

Johnnoreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-10803004.post-1130738720963951552005-10-30T23:04:00.000-07:002005-10-30T23:05:20.993-07:00

Johnnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-10803004.post-1130732396207796902005-10-30T21:17:00.000-07:002005-10-30T21:19:56.243-07:00

Johnnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-10803004.post-1130658483770642912005-10-30T02:46:00.000-07:002005-10-30T01:48:03.800-06:00

Johnnoreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-10803004.post-1130623576447070972005-10-29T16:08:00.000-06:002005-10-29T16:12:24.353-06:00

Johnnoreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-10803004.post-1130567100728994822005-10-29T00:22:00.000-06:002005-10-29T00:25:32.053-06:00

Johnnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-10803004.post-1130562255776405402005-10-28T23:01:00.000-06:002005-10-28T23:04:15.813-06:00

Johnnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-10803004.post-1130558874174747102005-10-28T22:03:00.000-06:002005-10-28T22:07:54.206-06:00

Have you ever gotten so overweight that you couldn't sit on a toilet properly?Have your cheeks ever flopped over the rim like a glob of wet dough?If you've ever spent a night on the floor covered in tears and your own feces, then here is your solution:You can order one of these "substantially more robust" toilets here.

Johnnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-10803004.post-1130531739180648852005-10-28T14:22:00.000-06:002005-10-28T14:35:39.210-06:00

"Bowl Cut = Lesbian?"Short around the ears,But nice and permed up top.Does it mean I'm gay?"Why Can't We Get Some Cute Sideline Reporters?"Post game interview.This time with Erin Andrews?Dang. Cheryl Miller."Are They Looking At My Butt?"A beige pantsuit hugsThe shape of my large buttocks,Attracting their eyes."The Season-Ending Pool Party Apology Letter"Um, about last night.I was drunk. I didn't

Johnnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-10803004.post-1130525754684938832005-10-28T12:51:00.001-06:002005-10-28T13:07:41.126-06:00

Ever wish you could let your pet join the military and honor our country?These could be your pets.Look at all the freaking medals. This guy probably saved seven generals and ate a live grenade.Is this David Lee Roth from Van Halen's "California Girls" video? No, it's a cat that killed an Iraqi just to taste its blood.

Johnnoreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-10803004.post-1130525322551422342005-10-28T12:47:00.000-06:002005-10-28T12:48:42.586-06:00

Finally! Learn how to make your own Pruno!(That's prison wine for the uninitiated.)

Johnnoreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-10803004.post-1130483641435151642005-10-28T01:11:00.000-06:002005-10-28T09:09:52.676-06:00

Johnnoreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-10803004.post-1130481129212579082005-10-28T00:28:00.000-06:002005-10-28T00:32:09.243-06:00

Johnnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-10803004.post-1130463893732058652005-10-27T19:38:00.000-06:002005-10-27T19:44:53.916-06:00

Johnnoreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-10803004.post-1130438911877512762005-10-27T12:47:00.000-06:002005-10-27T12:48:31.880-06:00

Johnnoreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-10803004.post-1130432358436625212005-10-27T10:58:00.000-06:002005-10-27T10:59:18.466-06:00

Johnnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-10803004.post-1130430048124669352005-10-27T10:19:00.000-06:002005-10-27T10:20:48.166-06:00

Johnnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-10803004.post-1130393172824945292005-10-26T23:58:00.000-06:002005-10-27T00:14:23.633-06:00

Tonight I was talking to my friend Dan about possible Halloween costumes.He and this guy John (not me, by the way) wanted to go as "dueling pimps."I told him that I wanted to go as a "Leif Blower," and wear a t-shirt with a picture of Leif Garrett on it and let everyone else draw the obvious conclusions.Then I said, "I really want to go as Ron Burgundy."From there, an idea was born.With my

Johnnoreply@blogger.com4