Quick Update: Your Questions Answered

Yes, I made it to Seattle alive.

Yes, my job is awesome.

Yes, I'm going on a road trip this summer around the west to take pictures and talk to crazy old fishermen.

Yes, I'm flying to Michigan in March to direct a video for our web site and do some steelhead fishing.

Yes, I'll be getting paid for both of those things.

Yes, I'm probably the best person you'll ever meet.

Yes, last night I ate $100 worth of oysters, swordfish, scallops and calamari at a fancy seafood restaurant.

No, I didn't even have to come into the office most of last week.

No, I will not go out with you.

But thanks for asking.

Valentine, You Rock

This is easily the best Valentine's Day card I've ever received:


Not only does it mock this "holiday," it also contains my latest (and strangest) obsession, the old Nickelodeon game show, Legends of the Hidden Temple.

In fact, I just sacrificed a child to Olmec, so as I'm typing this, my hands are covered in the blood of a newborn. That's how happy this made me.

Hopefully this will be mass-produced, over marketed and dispersed in those little cardboard boxes that you can rip open and put on your desk, doubling as a mailbox.

More Office Banter

My time at my current job is winding down. I have just four more days to go.

Well, more like two and a half since I've been leaving at 2 p.m. every day the past week.

Don't think that everyone here isn't counting down the hours.

In the past week, I've already been called an "insensitive jerk," a "dope" and a "terrible reporter" by three different people — all in jest.

I think.

But the best has been my editor's reaction. Here are some actual quotes from him in just the past two days:

• "Well I have some good news everyone. John is leaving."

• "I didn't let you draw pictures for the paper because no one wants to see g*****ed robots catching robot fish."

• "Why don't you leave already and go write for your f***ing fly fishing magazine?"

• "I'm going to send your new boss a bunch of anonymous emails telling him how awful and lazy you are."

• "John, you make me laugh. Because you're so stupid."

• "You know, we paid you an awful lot of money to surf the internet all day."
  

Ah, I'm really going to miss this place.

List = Love

In my 24 years alive, I've never had a Valentine.

Not once.

I've had friends that felt pity on me and sent me cards, but I've never had a true Valentine to lavish with gifts, undeserved praise and awkward love notes.

Now that I think about it ... that's probably a good thing.

Regardless, instead of writing about a non-existent Valentine and the painfully obvious lack of love in my life, I've decided to come up with a list of things I love, things I like, um, more than a friend.

I have actually sent all these things a letter that says "Do you like me? Check Yes or No."

Most of them sent back "Maybe."

I love:

• Thinking about Olmec from Legends of the Hidden Temple singing duets with various celebrities, like Paul Rudd, then thinking about replacing Olmec's light-up eyes with plasma televisions and watching videos of yetis jumping around in moon shoes that leave spiral macaroni and cheese trails everywhere they bound.
  

• University of South Carolina football, specifically head coach Steve Spurrier, the only man to successfully lead all 66 schools from BCS conferences to national titles, as well as Notre Dame, Louisiana Tech and Navy.
  

• All you can eat pizza buffets that are frequented by mythological creatures like yetis, sasquatches and sea monsters.

• Being in love. With a woman. Or an inanimate cartoon drawing of a woman. Or an oddly shaped rock that appears to be a woman from a distance in the dark.
  

• Cartoon robots on t-shirts.

• Sad music that makes me want to pull a Brooks from The Shawshank Redemption, music like Ryan Adams, Matt Pond PA, Mason Jennings, etc.

• Fighting dudes, even though I lose every time and usually end up with several smashed teeth.

• Thinking about ninjas fighting robots on a pirate ship, captained by a ninja robot that has a vendetta against Alec Baldwin.

• Believing that one day I will own a television large enough to give me a sunburn.

• Seattle Mariners baseball and Buffalo Bills football, despite the fact that both franchises are currently residing in the toilets of their respective leagues.

• Building methamphetamine laboratories in the backs of cars, then igniting them and watching them burn the flesh off my arms.

• Totino's pizza rolls, pizza, Taco Bell, Taco Del Mar and Moe's Southwestern Grill, all foods that will cause me to have a heart attack before the age of 26.

• Making stupid lists like this to occupy my time and prevent myself from crying on the couch. Alone. Naked.
  
  
• Crying on the couch. Alone and naked.

Like The Shark, The Panda Has Millions Of Teeth It Uses Like A Hacksaw To Cut Through Bone, Candy and Fences

I'm no expert in animal behavior or laws regarding the molestation of animals, but this picture has at least five things wrong with it:


1. Why was this picture even taken in the first place? Who really wants to see a panda laying spread eagle like this? Sure, they're cute, but is this panda even 18? This has to violate some sort of law somewhere. Also, don't you think that this hideous couple has at least 1,000 more pictures just like this, varying only in shades of creepiness?

2. These people seem entirely too excited to be frolicking around with a live bear. This panda could easily eat their faces off at any moment, and more than likely did just seconds after this picture was snapped. This is a nightmare creature, people! Its teeth glow in the dark, it has an evil, black soul and claws made out of titanium alloy. Do you really think those two dorks have any chance at survival if the bear gets stung by a bee and flips out? No way.

3. More than likely, these people have no children, no friends and that is why they are treating this bear like a baby. They are so singularly obsessed with pampering this animal that they won't have any idea what to do when it mauls them one day, tears their hearts out and takes huge dumps on their faces.

4. "Panda Dad" as we'll call him, has that scary "child molester at the playground" look on his face with that panda reclining in his lap. Also, he has one of the most frightening haircuts in the history of time, second only to this guy:


5. If you're still curious about how evil pandas are, watch this flash animation set to Silf and Olly's Panda Song. It's true. All of it.

Jodie, Will You Marry Me?

Apparently, former Full House star Jodie Sweetin used to be a meth addict.

Not only is this fairly interesting — and not exactly shocking — news (A former child star has a drug problem? No way!), it also combines two of my favorite things:

Meth and Jodie Sweetin.

One time in college, my friend Eric and I spent three weeks looking for naked pictures of her on the internet like the completey awesome dudes we are. I'm fairly sure we even skipped class once or twice in our pursuit, which led to him failing out and me turning into a train wreck of a man.

I'd say the only thing I love more than Jodie Sweetin might be making jokes about meth. Now I can put them together? Are you kidding me? This story is basically the nexus of my universe, a convergence of epic — and far-reaching — proportions.

But perhaps the greatest thing about this is that the Olsen twins took part in her intervention, along with John Stamos and Bob Saget.

Does anyone else smell a reunion episode?

"On a very special Full House..."

—Stephanie admits to being a meth addict, divorces husband. Weeps openly, then marries someone named John Van Vleet.

—Michelle admits to cloning herself and going on cocaine binges with her new friends, Lindsay Lohan and Kate Moss.

—Kimmie Gibler admits to actually being a man and murdering D.J's mom.

If I could pick anyone in the world that I'm glad has a meth problem, it's Jodie Sweetin. She has officially jumped past Neil Diamond, Keira Knightley, Johnny Depp and Slash from Guns N' Roses as my favorite person ever.

Before, she was in the top 20, easy. Now, with the meth, she's all alone at the top. Say hello to No. 1

Looking Forward

I refrained from bashing the Gamecocks on their miserable Independence Bowl performance. I held back my words of fury and disdain, if only because of the great things they accomplished this season — beating Florida and Tennessee come to mind.

But, that being said, there is no reason to EVER lose a 21-3 lead in the second quarter. Especially against a mediocre Big 12 team.

I know I should have faith in Spurrier and the Gamecocks, but even as we got up 21-3 against Missouri, I remember the last time we bolted to a lead like that — in 2000 against Florida at the Swamp.

One Lito Sheppard punt return and several key turnovers later, we're on the wrong end of another lopsided defeat.

No way Spurrier chokes like that, I think. He was the one that did it to us last time.

Well, three Brad Smith TDs later, we end up losing 38-31 and I nearly throw myself in front of a train, the way our defenders were throwing themselves under Smith's cleats.

Luckily, spring practice starts soon and I'm pleased with our recruiting class. We got linemen on both sides of the ball, some big uglies we needed to throw some bodies around in trenches.

As terrible as it was to lose twice to end the season, and as much as it stung to lose out on several head-to-head recruits to Auburn, I figure the best way to end this is with a quote from Spurrier himself, one that aptly sums up my feelings on the situation:

"I think we will be a better team next year. I don't know if we will win more games but hopefully we can act like we can block and tackle better. Certainly we weren't very good at that. I'm still very irritated at the way we played in the bowl game. It was sort of pathetic to watch some of our guys try to tackle in the second half. It was pretty pathetic watching our guys try to block some. So, anyway, we lost the game. Hopefully, we can get a bunch of guys around here, it hurts them a little bit to lose. Hopefully we can improve our attitude around here with this new class."

Well said, Steve. Well said.

She Thinks You Should Just Be Friends

Normally, I like to put captions on pictures I find to make them seem a little more idiotic and or frightening than they really are.

This picture doesn't need anything:

Tell me this isn't the single scariest photograph you've ever seen.

I can't help but think by "hurting you," she means "crushing your ribcage and suffocating you to death."